I’m selfless selfish

How this is possible? –can you ask my Dear Reader! The book of Osho mention this several times: Be selfish. The words of Mother Theresa are suggest the same, we should take care of ourselves: If each of us would only sweep our own doorstep, the whole World would be clean. The selfishness is from ego point of view “take it” but on spiritual way it is the explorer, manifestation of myself. So when I’m talking about selfishness I mean the latter one. To know who you are has effect on everything. You should explore yourself! This is your first task on this road. You have to know your strengths and most your weaknesses. And for this you have to deal with yourself. There are countless ways of explore. I found in many things the small pieces of me: In mirror, lying in tub, wandering or when I was drunk, you know drunk person tells the truth… 😀 (I realized that I’m very evil when I’m drunk.) When I woke up on this world and I understood why so many bad things, negative setback happening with me, then may things become clear. One of these is that the world is a huge mirror. You get back what you think about world and yourself. So if I want to evolve, explore myself then I just have to look how others are handling me. What in others is bothering me than this is the problem in me also. The violence, central figure, success, everything what bothers me is the same problem in me also. It was very difficult to find these faults in me. Find mistakes in others is very easy but in our self is very difficult. This is very true for many of us even if we don’t accept it. For me it was difficult to understand why my colleague is irritate me with his profit-seeking attitude. He is very cold, rigid, selfish person. I had to look very deep in me many times, and this time it was hard not to let my vanity to hide my negative attitudes. I did not found the profit-seeking person in me. I meditated, but nothing happened. I was thinking but nothing happened. I watched trough my whole life, but nothing I found. Then I started to look on myself. Selfishness? “Every tree is selfish: They absorbs water and they bring the nutrients to his leafs, fruits, flowers. And when they blossoms they flooded the odor with every one- friends, unknown. When they have a lots of fruits they share it with others. But if we teach to these trees to be selfless then they would all die, like mankind is dead. –Humans are just walking dead bodies. And where they go? They are on the way to their grave to get rested in there.” –Osho I investigated my relationships. I replayed conversations, I analyzed myself, my behavior like an outsider and then I realized that this has truth in it, and not just a few. Many times –maybe it is because I’m a Scorpio- I, let’s say, manipulated the people in order to get what I want. These where relationships with benefits including lovers, bosses, friends. When I realized this I found out two things. First I that I have to stop it. I felt that I don’t have true relationships, not matter how hard I wanted. So this is one reason why… And so I ended up all my friendships which were based on interests. Currently I have two really good friends a little family (brother, mother, and a second mother) and that’s all. No lover, no buddies, nobody. The other thing I realized later: When I started to understand myself I was selfish. I was looking on only myself for weeks and I did not take care about others. I was closed, I neglected others, I was not focus on them 100% while we were speaking. I renounced the invitations not worry about that others were counting on me. I was not thinking about I can help on others, but only for myself. This looking only on facts is a very bad and ugly thing. But if I look on reasons than I know that I had to do this. Analyzing myself, looking on me. Explore myself. And be selfish but only with this reason. Monks are going to monastery where they are meditating all day long, they have time for thinking, think about possibilities. I don’t have this kind of chance so I had to do what I chose. A small pause like the breathing in the sometimes grievous fight of life in order to evolve myself and so I will not live my whole life unconsciously against me but just a little piece. With which we will not feed our ego but evolve our spirit. This is a good kind of selfishness.

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