Being lost and being honest. 🙂
I have to confess something mainly for myself. I’m lost. I have my happiness because I’m not unhappy. Nay! I feel in every minute that there is peace in myself, I’m calm and some kind of joy fills up every second!
Somehow I still do not feel that I am complete. There is something in the background. I still avoid people attention. I look only into a few people’s eye directly. I’m avoiding them. If it is possible I do not go out. If I have to than I go where only few persons are. In old times I met easily new peoples. I was the center of the company. I got new friends within a minute in new places! And now… I don’t know what is happening, I do not know what the problem is but I’m lost. I got a big chaos in my head I can just focus on my book or watching movie or reading a book. Like I’m all alone in the world or at least I want this. But I have friends! Family. I have a dog also. I have others to take care and who are taking care of me. But I still do not find myself. I got lost. Was I sleeping? Do I evolve? Maybe. But I do not think that this is a good way. Or is it? What I know is that this progress is very lonely. But it should not be lonely like this. I should not close myself. It confuses me that I can’t make contact with other people. There are some who I am actually fleeing because I have physical symptoms as I feel who they are. Selfish and evil. I feel and I run away. From others also I do? Why? I don’t know. I cannot understand anything. What are these dreams? What are these feelings? What is this lack?
The other is the law of allurement. The many information what I’m reading makes me angry. One of it says I should ask and I will get it. The other says I should ask from myself “what am I doing to reach my goal?”
Dan Millman’s – The Life You Were Born to Live book I am reading right now and it there is a lot of truth in it. I recommend to everyone by the way. Based on Date of birth it shows a way for this life. For me the learning of power and prosperity is the goal. I first denied it because I have learned a lot of myself and I have so much happiness in me that I just want to share it.
But still… It has right. I was dreaming while I was a ballet dancer that I would be a famous dancer. Later in my work I tried to gain the best title. And now I want to get success with my book. It is important for me to create something and the feedback should be also positive. Do I write this blog to myself? It started like this. But for today’s I have many readers and I want more. A little bit for myself but for the most is because I hope that others are enjoy reading my lines! Maybe I can tell some new things, show the way, or giving solace that they are not alone with these feelings. I want more and more people to read this. This is terrible and good at the same time what I just wrote…
Wealth? This is also good. I never had much money I always had destitution. For now I got as much as it is just enough. Always that much what is just enough. Not more. Do I get used to it? No. I accepted it. But this is not good either. Just wait for fried drove is not good. What can I do? If I deny it I still won’t have more money, I will not have a life what I want. No matter if I want to get a second job, I do not get one. The law of allurement… You get what you are asking for considering your taken task for this life of course. Than what is the situation now? I am impatient. This is my biggest problem I know. I am 30 years old, single, living in an apartment and it is not easy. Of course it could be worse. I know.
It would be good to find my place. My goal. I do not know in what I can be myself. What is the work where I can be I? I want to write, but is this enough? I love to dance but I do not have the possibility. I want to teach, but I was not able to go to College. I do not want to learn this way anymore that is for sure.
Who am I? Where have I been? I don’t have self-confidence but I am confident. I don’t have a lover but I’m happy. I don’t have money but I also do not destitute. I do not have career but I love my job. I don’t have 20 friends but 2 and they are more than enough. Than what is wrong? I cannot figure it out. Everything is changed in good direction! And still it is confused and something is missing. I can’t find my place.
I hope that this condition will end soon. I have to do something! I will figure it out what and how to solve this!