LOVE

We all have felt the great power of love, whether we were on the giving or the receiving end. An act of love produces endorphin, be it a piece of chocolate or a hug, or a compliment from your boss. You can feel the release of this hormone, and suddenly you are filled with strength, energy and happiness. You think about how good this feels and that radiates from you. Your frequency increases and all your cells go crazy at a high level of vibration, making it visible. Physical symptoms include smiling, glowing skin, and easy-going demeanour. 😀 Eventually my mind will drown in all the scientific and spiritual material I’ve read and my speech will be as official as a bank employee’s… 😀

Not physical symptoms that I’ve noticed in my case: my intuitions are thriving. I’ve become more open, I’m not afraid to be myself, I feel free. I feel this overwhelming freedom where my feet move on their own accord. It doesn’t take any effort. Only a small leap and I feel I could fly. It’s similar to being in love, but this time it’s not someone else giving you strength and energy: they come from within. I am the source. It’s an extraordinary feeling!

„His mind and heart merged in a fiery union and he felt as though iron straps had snapped off his chest and he could draw a whole breath of something that made him float and feel alive and it was similar to air but its light etherealness wasn’t even close to that. He couldn’t feel his weight and he couldn’t sense the outside world. He just floated in nothing, over the fine border of understanding and intuition.”

When I’m in a good mood, other people around have a good mood too. Especially those who are more susceptible to my vibes of joy, cheerfulness and love. I’ve come to notice that I tend to – unintentionally – pour all my feelings on those around me. My feelings are usually quite powerful, I live my experiences at a high sensitivity and so they affect my environment strongly.

I’ve succeeded in integrating love – the force of highest frequency and thus the most inviting of them all – into my life. It is hard, because you live the same grey everydays, or like me you go home to a lonely, empty flat. There are many small temptations around me: routine, stress, anger, loneliness, stupid selfish people and so on… It’s not an easy task to find love in today’s selfish world that could lift you up above the negativity you have to deal with on a daily basis.

But I succeeded. Although I couldn’t yet preserve the feeling, I have managed to increase my frequency by a great deal. Even if it’s only for a few days.

I’ve already mentioned that everyone should learn how to love. Leo. F. Buscaglia writes about that in his book Love. About loving… everybody. Is that even possible? In my environment, I think it is. But I have never met someone who murdered a child, so compared to that, loving my environment wasn’t that hard so far. 😀

But I’ve had a crazy boss, a backstabbing colleague, a selfish and success-at-any-price colleague, exploitive friends, and a darker group: my aggressive, alcoholic father, my paedophile of a godfather, an ex-boyfriend with criminally low sense of self-worth…

How could I ever remember someone with love who could only hurt me?

First of all I had to learn that if I don’t leave all my obstacles behind, it will be extremely difficult to move on.

„The soul goes through the stages of development and meanwhile makes mistakes, which you could call sins, but I don’t really agree with that. I don’t think there is punishment, only revelation. The moment of realisation, when you come to understand what is it that you have to learn from a situation. Then you can finally leave the cycle where you have been stuck.”

You will stumble upon the same lesson again and again until you finally learn from it.

We parted with anger and this matter remains a thorn in my soul to this day, which would always impede my improvement.

You have to fix up your past if you hope to step into the present. Until I have reconciled with myself, my past, bad experiences and disappointments there is always a chance that these bad, negative feelings would re-surface time and time again and they would pull me back and decrease my level of vibration. They would only be burden, dead weight that would slow me down on the way to happiness and distance me from my goal. One of the most difficult tasks was when I started to clean up in my past and tried to leave no stone unturned, to understand, analyse everything and then turn them into something positive.

I haven’t been a very rational person in the past, but rather a dreamer. I suffered many disappointments and so, like most people, I remained firmly rooted to the ground with walls around me and a soul hardened by thorns. I couldn’t imagine anything sadder than that. I missed my old carefree life. Something like childhood. More and more often a memory came to me when I used to weave flower crowns from dandelions with my friends in kindergarten. Back then nothing else existed to me, but green grass, the tiny flowers, laughing, the joy of creating something, and the joy of the finished crown. It was a pure feeling. It was so long ago and it was so good… I miss that feeling.

Learning to love is something rational, but I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. Feeling love is something spiritual. Sadly as adults we have to learn to love all over again. Loving with a pure heart. Without preconceptions, unconditionally. Is there anything more difficult than that? 😀 Probably there is, but currently this proves to be the most difficult for me. Everything that was coded into me throughout my life, all the bad stuff that happened to me, now I have to reverse them. But to do that, I have to understand that everything that happened to me, had to happen to me. You can call it karma, or chosen experiences, the key is that you have to experience all of it.

Why?

Because how could you possibly know how beautiful the sunset is, if all you’ve ever seen was sunset? Until you haven’t seen the filth, the foulness, poverty, war, the casualties of natural disasters, you have nothing to compare beauty to. Why do we go to a trip in the forest after a long and exhausting week? Why does it calm us so? Because we have something to compare it to. The forest looks more beautiful and peaceful than our noisy workplace. So until I haven’t felt my father strike me on the face, the taste of blood in my mouth, the pain of a beating that I did not deserve, I could not properly appreciate a loving touch on my face, or the attention dedicated to me.

There are two sides to everything. Both sides have to be checked, always. Remember when there were limited editions of the 50 Ft coin? You looked at the regular one once and saw a number on the head and a bird on the tail. Sometime later you played with a coin of 50 Ft while queuing at the bakery and were like “Hang on, there’s something different about it”. There was the Maltese cross of the charity group on the tail, and then you put it back into your pocket to keep it and fished out some different coins to pay with. Later you took it from your pocket to examine it again and wonder about how that type was issued. 😀

This is how you have to imagine all your moments in life. Be it something miraculous, or something really bad, or making decisions and so on. To know good things we also have to know bad things. To recognise bad things, we also have to experience the good. To be able to make a choice, you have to be aware of all the possibilities ahead. You can reverse this quite similarly.

If something bad happened to you in the past, first of all you have to realise that it happened for your sake. Always take a look at the good side of it. What kind of merit does it hold for you? Why did this bad thing happen to you? What did it trigger in me and is that a good thing? Why would someone do that to me? What did their action wake in them?

Let’s see one of my examples. I’ll choose something lighter, which I already analysed with my head and heart alike. My ex-boyfriend was jealous and he blamed me for every problem we had. Of course I loved him, I wanted to help us through the problems, and so I took it all upon myself. He told me “That’s your fault” so many times that after a while I believed him. I wasn’t going out anymore, I lost every connection with the outside world and stood at attention 24/7… until I’ve had enough. As a Scorpio woman, the anger I repressed for such a long time exploded from me like a terrible monster and I paid him back in kind. I had been seething about the blindness I caused myself, about allowing him to reduce me to the shadow of my former self. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t open my eyes earlier. Why did I endure so much in quiet? But then I understood. The whole time I was aware of his many faults and mine too. I wanted to help him. I always understood him and that wasn’t the problem, but I submitted myself to him and that was a very bad idea.

It was a good lesson. I learned that patience is a great virtue but I had to learn when to be patient and when not to. I learned that there are people I can help and whom I can’t. I understood that his terrible self-worth issues were projected onto me, I’ve come to know exactly what he was thinking, what I could expect from him, and I learned how to manipulate him. Now you might ask, why then did we end our relationship? 😀 Because I understood that it is forbidden to control anyone! Forbidden! It’s so wrong and should never be done. Everyone should be free to do what they want, what they think to be good. If you have influence over someone, that gives you a sort of power, and I don’t want power. I merited a lot from this relationship. Why did I have to go through it? So I could learn who I am. To be able to stand up for myself. To be able to say no, to appreciate healthy relationships. To find out how it feels when you are cared for and to care for someone! To recognise those who only exploit me and drag me down. I benefited a lot from this. After all these revelations I’ve become a better person.

But the most important thing that became clear to me that he was me. Everything I like about someone I’m close to can be found in me too, and the things that I hate can be found just the same. I also had self-worth issues, I was jealous, and I hurt him without reason, too. So everything I received from him, I had it in myself as well. I have to pay close attention to these things. There’s a solution to everything, so I corrected these things in my head. And what did he learn? Sadly, nothing. I know a lot of people who act like it’s the end of the world after a failure or disappointment. They get stuck at the fact that they were cheated, hurt, humiliated, and so on. Life goes on… This small, commonplace phrase has a lot of hidden truth. You don’t stop at a stage in development because your father yelled at you when you were a child and it hurt. You grow up. Your spirit requires just as much development as your body. You can’t get stuck at one point. You can’t leave behind grey areas and unsolved threads because they will only pull you back. It’s like wanting a hot air balloon to rise into the sky while the sandbags are still all attached to it and you’re puzzled why it won’t take off. You have to get rid of all the bad stuff inside you. At least I think so. Only this can help you improve, only this way can you welcome anything new into your life. With a fresh heart.

So I came to understand the “why” of this problem, thorn, obstacle. One sandbag dropped. I understand why he did what he did. It was easier for him to blame me instead of searching for the root of the problem in himself, to understand, accept and move on. It’s difficult to take these steps, but as the example above shows they are quite useful! 🙂

There was only one thing left. To love. I felt no anger, rage, or pity anymore: I felt nothing! For a time I’ve felt a caring kind of pity towards him, something you might feel for a miserable child. But this was not good… Then I let go of this pity, because he should take responsibility over his life on his own, he has to solve his problems by himself, and if he doesn’t, it’s his business, his life. This might sound selfish, but actually it’s quite the opposite! When you give someone freedom, you give them the possibility to decide about their own life, and you couldn’t give anything more beneficial to them. Nobody has the right to intervene into someone else’s life. It would be futile anyway… Next I thought through what he gave me with all his heart. There was good inside him. There is good in every single person. We are born into this world pure, like a tiny package full of love. This feeling cannot be erased by anything or anyone without a trace. It resides deep inside in even the most ruthless murderer. Repressed, forgotten, but it’s there. My ex was no exception. I focused on this while I excluded all the other things that became blurred after all the blows life handed out to him. I stripped this huge pile of dirt to a single grain of wheat hidden under it all… And I kept only that. I needed only this tiny grain of wheat to think of it like a small seed of love that was still inside him. Often I imagine this seed to awaken, to start to grow and thrive and maybe help him.

As I have since realised, this technique can be used on a lot of people. When for example your boss hurts you, it’s possible that you’re not the direct reason of their anger. If you make a mistake or fail to do your job as it would be expected of you, you’re the one at fault. You should admit that you were wrong, accept it, fix it, do something to make it right.  If you do all of the above and still get treated badly, you should take that coin of 50 Ft in your hand again and look at the other side. Your boss was also scolded – maybe without any reason at all – which made him angry. Put your hand over your heart and tell me: would you be happy after something like that? His boss makes him angry, so he passes it on, or he gets impatient because of that, or extremely prickly, etc. If I am angry, do yourself a favour and stay the heck away from me. 😀 There are people like that. My ex is like that. We have to accept them as they are and handle the situation accordingly. We have to understand them. How could we hope to accept ourselves, if we can’t accept others? How could we expect others to understand us, if we can’t do the same for them? Doesn’t this sound a bit like hypocrisy? I think it does.

Everyone can be loved, understood, accepted. We can all learn when to act and when not to. When we should be understanding and when we have to stand up for ourselves. We have to understand that we are one. We are all humans. All of us. We all make mistakes. Some admit and some never do. We have to accept this. We have to learn to forgive through acceptance and understanding.

I want to be more. Always, with every step, I want to improve, to know more, to feel more. To feel better. I want to know who I am.

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