The FEAR

„Every book is a magical gate that leads to another dimension”

Truly they are. I would also include movies here. Why is it that you feel so good while submerging in their contents, but the instant they are over and you return to reality, restlessness, fear, apathy and hatred come over you? Since I was a child I felt that something was wrong with me, because I was/am hypersensitive. Back then I thought it was because of my family background that I had cried over everything, even in school. I felt offended by everything. Tiny things that others don’t even notice made me cry, and made me think that the world was against me. I was afraid of everybody. The other side of the coin was also strong though: when I loved, I loved deeply. My love was endless, whether it was for an animal, a thing, a person, a friend, or family members. This is good because I could experience feelings in their highest extent, but also because I am hypersensitive, sometimes I cried for days over something that might not even have been a conscious offense towards me. The more, when I felt hurt by someone I loved. But these planted fear in me. After a time I was afraid to love, afraid to be nice to other people, because I was sure that I would receive back only unkindness. I was afraid to even feel, however I could not control that. Whenever I left home, I felt like a sole target on a shooting field. Now I’ve come to understand that my hypersensitivity is an advantage. Even today I cry sometimes over incredibly little things – recently it’s been more and more often –, like an advertisement, for sorrow, pain, or joy. Controlling this sensitivity can be learned. I found the key to that in books. Whenever I read a book or watch a movie, I can wholly identify with the characters. Now it can be any of them, but earlier I singled out only one. Every book I read means a huge adventure, how the story unfolds in my mind and makes me slip into another dimension. You lose yourself in there, you feel great, especially if it’s a book with this kind of topic. You have a choice there. If there’s something I do not like, I can turn the page over, start reading a new book, or change the channel on TV.

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But eventually every book comes to an end, and we have to return to the real world. If it was up to me, I would have read books by the thousand, because I chose those that talk about a world that cannot be seen in the physical world but is still present around us. They took me to another world. A familiar world! Somehow I always chose or received these as present, and I could lose myself in them and run away from the world, and in them I have found a piece of myself. Everything I read felt familiar. Like revising, or reading a poem that I’ve already memorized before. I know what it is about, but I’ll read it again. Then I awake in this world. I have to go to work, meet people I don’t necessarily like. I have to be a part of this physical reality again. I have to do the shopping, prepare food. This is totally different from the world where I feel so amazing. It filled me with fear. Doubts started to pester me: what if this…? What if that…? But… These words are simply obstacles to me. Or rather I make them to be my obstacles. Every impediment and obstacle in us – fear, anxiety, doubt –; we are the ones who create them. Which is very easy, to be honest. But destroying these obstacles is quite a far cry from easy. Currently I am working on this. To be able to reach what I want, I will have to destroy and melt away all those obstacles inside of me. I have to learn how to control my feelings instead of letting them control me. There’s a choice here too. Every moment we make choices, and each time we have to make the right choice. You already have an answer to the „what if I lose my job?” question. Here we take a double back to my previous post, where I was telling you about how „everything happens for a reason”. That provides explanation to a lot of things, with its help you can unlock numerous problems, obstacles. But here we also have the law of attraction, about which I will write a bit later. How is the law of attraction connected to this? If I get fired, it will happen for a reason. But I don’t want to be fired. On the contrary: I am happy at my workplace, I’ve learned to love my job. I love what I’m doing and because of that I’m also good at it, at least I’m doing my best every day, which gives me a sense of accomplishment. That is the physical reality. A sort of system you have to follow in order to improve yourself. My job helps me to improve, and thus I can’t be fired. MOREOVER! I will not be fired. This is the law of attraction. If I want to make it work even better, I’d say „I like my workplace, I like/respect my boss, colleagues, and I’ll be working here for a long time”. I don’t use the word „NO”, neither do I use „IF”, or „BUT”. Almost always they are charged with bad, negative energy, they raise doubt, haunt my thoughts, which births only more and more fear, and then I’ll have to reverse the whole sorry thing. 😀 I believe that all my bad feelings are the result of some negative effect whether it be caused by myself or others. I image it like a box in which I’m locked. Or like building walls around myself (maybe this is more common), it’s the same. You let no one inside so as to avoid getting hurt, but like this you also blind yourself to what’s beyond your walls. In order to open up and be happy, we have to break down these walls. Not to let others hurt you, there are plenty other ways to protect yourself, but to let yourself open up to what’s out there. I met one of my best friends not long after he broke up with his girlfriend, whom he thought to be the one. It turned out that we were so very similar that it blew our minds. There were a lot of deep and intimate conversations, and of course a few kisses.  It was like in movies. When I almost believed that I met the man of my life, came a big dilemma. He liked me, but he could not forget his previous girlfriend. When I asked him why he wanted a hissy, depressed, always problematic plastic, the answer was: he’s gotten used to this. He knows this type and is afraid of anything new. AFRAID! I accepted it, it was his choice after all. He has to go through what life has in store for him.  As for me, I felt disappointed and decided to prepare a box for him… (previously we were joking that we’d become rich by selling invisible little monsters. They would come in beautiful boxes and everyone could imagine a monster to their liking into them! :-D) So I made this box for him, it had a well-planned, scary design, with rules, description, and of course with the invisible monster inside: fear. (Of course I couldn’t give it to him, there was no chance…)

“I remember well to the times covered with fear, when bayonets silenced everything but crying still had a voice. When you feel fear, use the sword, take it up here and cut the mind to ribbons, slash through all those regrets and fears, anything else that lives in past or the future.”

– quote from Peaceful Warrior.

“Even brave men blind themselves sometimes, when they are afraid to see.”

– George R.R. Martin.

“When we think we have been hurt by someone in the past, we build up defenses to protect ourselves from being hurt in the future. So the fearful past causes a fearful future and the past and future become one. We cannot love when we feel fear…. When we release the fearful past and forgive everyone, we will experience total love and oneness with all.”

― Gerald G. Jampolsky

“The things you’re most afraid of have already happened.”

– One Hour photo (movie).

“Come to the edge,” he said. “We can’t, we’re afraid!” they responded. “Come to the edge,” he said. “We can’t, we will fall!” they responded. “Come to the edge,” he said. And so they came. And he pushed them. And they flew.”― Guillaume Apollinaire.

I think that it’s not enough to only read or say positive things out loud. You can often read it like this: tell yourself this/that, use these/those sentences, don’t use these/those words. I don’t believe that cramming expressions or sentences written by someone else would do me any good. I have to believe what I’m saying. I have to say what I’m thinking, and I have to think of what I want, in the most positive way possible. Like that it won’t be a memorized text, but my very own. This way we are able to destroy the walls and thus leave pain and fear behind.

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