The time will come when honesty becomes the key condition to love yourself. I have never been a liar, but I felt like time has come to say out loud everything. I felt like I had to be cleansed, but all the unspoken words prevented this. I had to be honest, even if I ended up hurting someone.
Since it seemed like not a lot of people stuck around, I did not have much to lose. I started telling my friends my honest opinion about a given topic, or about them as well. Of course this wasn’t like directly going to them and telling them what I thought all of a sudden, but if the situation asked for honesty, I didn’t back down. If I had a particular opinion about something, I did not keep it to myself. Of course many did not like this at all. As I mentioned before, I’ve always considered myself to be a sincere person, but I also wanted people to be truthful to me in return. I expected them to, but they weren’t. Only a very, very few. I started to realize that I was surrounded by liars, and also how full the world is of liars. My eyes opened. I started to realize – which I may have already guessed – that there are a lot of hypocritical, selfish, treacherous, two-faced people. Yes, I knew this already, many can see this every day, but it may not necessarily disturb them. You have to accept them as they are, goes the saying. But they started to disturb me. What’s more, I started to have physical symptoms from the hate I felt for them. I became literally sick. Because of this I cut quite a few people from my life. I couldn’t call them actual friends, they were more like good buddies. Now they were gone.
Another reason why the number of people I kept in touch with decreased is that some of them were dragging me down – for the lack of a better word. They could only complain all the time, nothing was good enough for them, nothing was enough, they saw only the bad things in everything. The more I listened to them – and I’m talking about people who are blessed with a lot more than I’ve ever had – the sicker I felt. I started to shut them out, to neglect them. I was literally fleeing from them and tried to avoid these people as hard as I could.
Due to these things I got lonelier than ever before. But the interesting thing is that I was happy about it now, because there were no bad people, no bad energy around me anymore. Of course when you go to work you have to endure to be in the same room with some negative people, but that’s a bit different too. You can get lost in your work, and communication can also be reduced to issues related only to work. If I keep the distance of a necessary few steps, it’s actually easy to avoid bad energy. People, places, things should be separated accordingly.
The side effect of this choice was that I had a lot more free time at my hand. I arrived home after work, and… nothing. My work kept me busy, but what about after that? At home only my little dog was waiting for me, with whom I of course played, but this activity hardly fills out whole afternoons every day of the week. I had to think of something.
I started to read. After a long-long time, I finally had time to read again. I read a lot of books. I learned, improved myself, relaxed. I did what I felt like doing at a time. I spent more time with the friends who remained by my side and deserved more than how I treated them before. I went hiking. Until now I craved companionship so much that it was really hard to go even to the supermarket, but now it felt great to go out alone and take a walk in nature, to admire the landscape, to discover new places. A lot of us live our lives only in a 3 km radius all the time and still we don’t really know even that small area, only the routes of routine we take every day. If you live in a flat, go to the rooftop. If there’s a mountain near your home, walk to the top of it. Have a long walk without any purpose at all and just watch the people, the world around you. You might discover things that you can’t even imagine.
One of my greatest experiences was in May, when I went for a long walk with my little dog. The road led upwards in a long, unceasing slope. Then it branched, but I chose the path that led still higher. Always higher and higher, it required more strength, more energy, persistence. I loved it, the challenge it set for me. There were feelings whirling inside me, and I felt that a challenge for my body could somehow help with them. Finally we arrived to a small street. Both sides of the street were lined with white and purple lilac bushes as far as you could see. The strong scent of the lilac flowers was intoxicating, for several minutes I was just standing there, enjoying it all and with closed eyes I drew deep breaths of that heavenly scent. It was wonderful.
At the end of the road I found a watchtower from where I could see my city. I had no idea that such a place existed so close to my house, with this kind of view on my city. We had some rest, than we began our walk home, taking a different road. All in all, it was a priceless excursion. I walked quite a few kilometres, but my head, my heart, my body felt cleansed. And all the while, I was alone.
After that there was not stop. I took lessons to get my driving licence, met up with my friends, ran a blog, went on dates, but only to satisfy my needs really. Everything fell in place. Every minute of every day felt now complete. When I felt like taking a rest, I took some rest, when I felt like going for walk, I went for a walk. When I was hungry, I ate, when I started getting tired I did some exercises, took a shower, then went to bed. Now I was occupied by taking care of myself. Finally, for the first time, only of myself. Not in a way many people would think, like getting pretty clothes, or going to the hairdresser’s, etc. I was building up my inner world. I started to get to know myself. And for this I needed silence. The silence of aloneness.