The beginning

You can only get back from the bottom if you take notice of something good, wheather consciously or unconsciously. I was looking for something good! By then I have already seen a movie called Secret and have read a book called The magic by Rhonda Byrne. Both helped me a lot in everyday life, it was then when I hit rock bottom when I truly felt their real meaning. From the bottom you get back up or you don’t. There are only two possibilities, and I chose to get back up after the biggest fall in my life. Now was the time to stand up, once and for all. I will not fall back there again. I have to reach a level from where I couldn’t fall back again even if I wanted to. I started to search for good things, thanks to the books and movies I’ve mentioned previously. In everything. In small things. The movie Secret gave me a whole lot of strength, but that did not last long. After a few days uncertainty, faithlessness, self-pity began to wash across me again. The hardest thing was going out to the streets and meeting people. In shops, in parks, during walking the dog in the city. It was hard. When your losses are huge, it is very difficult to find good in anything. It’s even harder to be satisfied with what you find. Somehow, when you are alone in the world and there is no one you could count on, balance is challenging to restore, but then you see a butterfly in spring. This was not enough for me, but it was more than nothing. The magic says: Be grateful. So I started thinking about what I could be grateful for, what made me happy. Surprisingly I found many things. The book helped me a lot. I came to realize what an amazing little brother I have, who helps me out whenever I need help. Then there is my very good friend Laci, to whom I owe so much gratitude that I cannot even count! My mother protected me so many times when I was a child, so I could have a chance at a better life. These are the big things. Then come the smaller ones: I opened the fridge, but found no food inside. I looked for food everywhere in my house, in the pantry, in the drawers, and eventually I gathered some things. Not so much, but I feel thankful for this too. If you think about it, there are a lot of people on this planet who have far less than you… This was the first time that I felt a sort of pain in my hearth. I felt such extreme pain that I couldn’t begin to describe it. I’ve always felt that I have to help other people. This feeling accompanied me through all my life: every time someone needed some help, or just someone to listen to them, or to complain, they always came to me. I’ve always been the emotional trashcan, which was really hard, because usually nobody listens to people like me, we are only the listening end. But I’ve come to realize that this was also a way of helping them, and this filled up me with good feelings. Be positive, I told myself. There is something good in everything. There is something positive in everything. The more I thought the more things I noticed that gave me happiness, things I could be grateful for and even more for which I could be thankful. Starting with the things I did for others, even if they didn’t realize it fully. I protected them, listened to them, I gave them advice that turned out to be working. I stepped back from a chance to get a new (better) job to let someone else get it, who needed it more. So I did this and that, smaller and greater things to a point where when I see a butterfly, it reminds me of someone. I admire its colour, I follow it for a while, take a picture of it and watch the tiny little lines at the end of its wings, and it all makes me wonder about this small miracle and I feel grateful for all the beauty such a tiny insect can share with me – with the world. Just a butterfly. Just one living thing in a million. I thought about how many other wonders could be found in this world. A lot of things I can admire, I can feel grateful for, I can love. And I’ve found the keyword: LOVE

When I started to love, everything changed instantly. First of all I had to learn to love myself. I thought I’ve never had trouble with myself: I never did diets, I did not think my body was ugly, and I thought myself to be a good person. But unfortunately this is not enough. I realized that I had a lot of things inside me that I wasn’t satisfied with. I started to deal with them one by one. I found the flaws I still had to fix. Not by good deeds, like in fairy tales, noooo… :-D. I had to fix them inside me. I had to look for reasons to the whys, find solutions without submerging in the problem, without taking revenge on someone or something. I did lots of things I’m not proud of, the list could go on. My first step was a good old life hack: I took a lipstick and wrote on the mirror messages like I love myself or I am wonderful today. I put a sticky note on the front door, so as to remind myself before leaving what a wonderful day I had ahead of me because I deserved it. I’ve come to realize more and more things. All of them were small tings but I had to start somewhere, and I thought this was the best way. I started to get better. I don’t say that nothing and nobody was hurtful toward me anymore, but I took my first few steps. I felt that I was on the way towards something good. Something very good. Nobody told me how to find the road to happiness, so I had to find it myself. Even to this day I haven’t found any kind of description that could tell me about this road in detail. I’ve only found sloppily written clichés presented in cryptic explanations that were nothing more than shallow commonplaces like I believe that certain people enter our lives for certain reason. I found this on social media in 2 seconds. The internet is full of these. Do these actually mean anything? I firmly believe that nobody, literally nobody enters our lives by chance. Not even a cashier at a supermarket! But does anyone tell the true meaning behind this sentence? No. It is only a sentence. There are a lot of quotes which gain meaning with their context, not by arbitrarily cutting them into quotes and throwing them around. The sentence is beautiful all right, but it sounds empty to me. So now I would like to explain, in a very detailed way, how I found the road to happiness, where such amazing experiences, freedom, and happiness were waiting for me that I could not even imagine, because I’ve never known it before.

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