First of all I’ll have to start with some psychology babble. 😀 In my childhood, a thought nestled into my head already in kindergarten, and I couldn’t let it go ever since. Already back then I had imaged my dream-prince on that white horse we all know. I knew exactly what he was going to be like, how he will look like, what personality he will have. I still remember the list with 11 bullet points in which I described him. The 7th was „He mustn’t drink brandy”. 😀 Oh yes, the childlike ideas and simplicity. I was sure that every girl around me in kindergarten was spending their days daydreaming about the same as me. Even now at the age of 30, I still think that every woman wishes for the same things as I do. I had to realize how very wrong I was. I knew that people were entirely different, but surely the innermost desires of the heart aren’t quite so different!? This realisation is brand new and astonishing for me, but they are different. I have changed over the years too. I have changed a lot, especially during the last year. Until a year ago I was chasing happiness, which I expected to find beside a man. I was expecting it from else. From THE one. Nothing else, literally nothing else could make me happy. On the contrary! It made me unhappy. Since I was 14, I have always been in relationships without a break (apart from 1 month). Long, short, more than one at a time, it didn’t matter at what price but I had to find HIM! I was looking for him desperately, and my last attempt was dating sites on the internet. The relationships that I’ve had in the last year were on and off, weren’t quite real. I could not fall in love anymore, although I have always been in love since I was a child. There had to be always someone I could fall in love with, I had to feel that uplifting emotion that love can give: the happiness that only someone else can give to you, that only love can give. But only for so long. No one ever was good enough, and so the happiness that they gave me was not enough either. At the beginning of this year I was devastated in every sense of the word. No boyfriend, no money, no friends. All alone in the middle of endless nowhere. In addition to my misery I lost my grandmother too. I loved her very much. It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest, it just did not even have the strength to feel pain anymore. For 3 days I cried and sobbed and stared at the wall in my empty room. „WHY?” I asked a hundred times, a million times, but nobody answered. Even silence hurt but I did not care. I did not feel hunger, or thirst almost at all. Only tears were streaming down my face like a waterfall. Then even my eyes dried out and I ran out of tears to cry. For a while I hated this world. I hated everything. Everyone, myself included. I raised self-pity to an artistic level. After all the suffering and tribulations, my ego got so heavily injured that I thought I would not survive this, I couldn’t make it through. Then I could not cry anymore, I didn’t care about anyone or anything. Luckily no one was interested in me at this time either. I wasn’t capable of hatred anymore. I was not thinking: there was nothing left to think about. I lost everything. I had nothing left. Nothing mattered. Everything was empty… I think that was what I needed in order to awaken at last. So I could recognize that happiness is within Me. that I shouldn’t expect it from someone else, from the world, from a lover, from friends – it depends solely on Me. This is where everything started.
Now I have new goal in life: it’s the same but in a different way. I have to find myself. Who I am, what happiness is, what my happiness is inside me and inside everything around me. I have to find it, I have to ascend to a level, at which I can accept that special someone into my life with whom I can share… I can double this happiness truly forever. I want to reach a level where only happiness exists. In everything. I want to experience everything. Every pain, suffering, misery, so I can value goodness, beauty, joy… the Emotional freedom, HAPPINESS.
To remind myself every single day, I had this tattooed on myself in my favourite language, Italian. Well, this is where everything, that I have now reached, had started. The perfect Man, extreme happiness, and my published book. And there are the sequels in line.
Impossible doesn’t exist. Sometimes it takes time to open our eyes to this wonderful world where our happiness depends only on us! 🙂